What else can we do as Catholics to make the Family Law Act obsolete? Better marriage preparation.
A colleague shared with me a recent social media post from a former Catholic whose marriage has broken up. He said that Catholic marriages are failing because we teach chastity before marriage without also teaching what to look for in a long-term partner.
He’s right. Marriage is when a couple live together for all those long weeks, months, and years that they’re not having sex.
“Live together” is the important bit.
If you’ve met someone and it’s still going well after about six months, then there’s a series of tough conversations you will hate, but you need to have. The first person you need to talk to is God. But quite often he’s waiting for you to use your brain and two eyes.
I think your first question to yourself should be: “What’s in this relationship for me?”
Some of your motives will be really selfish. Some Catholics just want to get married because they’re ashamed of being single. Some are looking for a project; someone to mould into their dream spouse. Some are looking for someone to efface them so they can continue to hide from everything.
And some are only too willing to make these gentler souls into doormats for their oversized egos.
Now ask yourself: “What’s in this relationship for him/her?” Again, listen to the answers. Note any major differences between those two sets of answers. These are future fault lines in a marriage.
A healthy Catholic marriage is a partnership of equals before God. It should take place between two adults, not an adult and an overgrown child.
We have laws against children getting married. But sometimes children in adults’ bodies get married, with disastrous consequences. You’ll be stuck with someone who just wants a mum or dad to keep taking care of them – someone unreliable and untrustworthy who constantly avoids adult tasks.
Another question for both of you: How do you see the division of labour in the family home panning out?
You may have noticed that it’s not the 1950s anymore. If both of you are in paid employment, you’ll have to figure out how both of you can make this work. Speaking of which: How do you see money? Is it “my money” or “our money”?
Do you live from payday to payday and max out the credit cards, or do you save and plan?
You should know this about yourself already. You definitely need to know it about your possible spouse.
Another question: How much real experience do either of you have with small children?
I’ve met young Catholics who talk a big game about large families but have never changed a nappy in their life. They are in for a rude awakening.
How does your beloved behave in a crisis? Do they blow up, get angry, and start dishing out blame? Do they panic, fall apart, and wait to be rescued? Or are they comparatively calm and sensible?
And here’s the hardest one, and it’s a very private question. What have you seen in this person that worries you?
Is it verbal or physical anger? Signs of addiction – gaming, alcohol, shopping, gambling – that they’re explaining away? Control freakery – even the pious kind that makes you stay for an hour’s Adoration after Mass even though you’ll be late for work?
Do they complain a lot? Do they show disrespect for you or others? Are they flaky, unreliable, or constantly late for everything?
It’s sadly common now to hear young Catholics (madly in love) earnestly explaining that these serious failings are due to their beloved’s “diagnosis”. I sometimes discover later – when cleaning up the mess – that this was the “we did an online quiz” school of diagnosis.
Please be aware that there are lots of Catholics out there with mental health diagnoses who are respectful, reliable, pleasant, and gainfully employed.
Some problems are actually character problems. And people don’t change much over time.
And I speak as someone who has marched through entire red flag parades with her colour-blindness goggles firmly on, seeing only a sea of grey.
I’m sure you’re not looking for someone perfect. But you should be looking for someone with the basic materials for a happy, committed and holy life with you. If they don’t, then it’s not your job to fix them or to drag them screaming into maturity. That’s their job.
The bottom line? No engagement is better than a broken engagement.
And a broken engagement is always better than a divorce.
