Full disclosure: I don’t matchmake people. It’s too dangerous.
But it seems that Catholics just aren’t getting married like they used to.
So if you’re keen, what can you do to help? How can you boost your Catholic matchmaking game?
As someone who’s seen (and endured) some bungled matchmaking, here’s my advice for both matchers and match-ees.
Change your attitude. We tend to treat singleness as a problem to be solved. It isn’t.
Marriage isn’t everyone’s path to heaven. Proceed with caution.
Inform yourself more about why Catholics are choosing to stay single.
Look at the Catholic divorce statistics. Look at the state of the Catholic marriages around you.
Some of the most determined matchmakers I’ve met have been people in unhappy marriages. I know misery loves company, but this is taking things too far.
Ask first. Ask your single friends if they’d like some help to meet eligible people.
Please don’t throw people together without at least asking them first.
Single Catholics: if the answer is no, please grow some spine and say so. You don’t need to say why. Just say so and keep saying it, because some people simply won’t listen.
But if you’re hoping to marry, then have at it. You’ll need cast-iron courage, an open mind, and a sense of humour.
And that’s just for the blind dates. But it’s a numbers game, and the odds are in your favour either way.
Either you will decide to stop dating or you will find someone you really like and get on with.
Slow down. So you know someone who’s fresh out of an engagement, putative first marriage, religious life, the priesthood, or the seminary?
One vocation didn’t work out, so let’s hustle them into another, am I right?
Matchers and match-ees: Please don’t rush into anything. Allow recovery time first.
Sadly, almost everyone I’ve met in this situation thought they were the exception to the rule.
This includes me. The messy results speak for themselves.
Do due diligence. Some matchmakers throw together people they barely know and expect it to work.
I’ve heard a lot of nonsense along the lines of “Just as long as s/he is a good Catholic, you can work everything else out.”
That may have been the case a century ago when there were solid social supports around marriage.
It’s not the case now – although easier divorce may have reduced the spousal murder rate.
Matchmakers can also lose patience and develop a “beggars can’t be choosers” attitude to the people they’re trying to help.
But many single Catholic men and women aren’t willing to settle for just anyone.
They want attraction, compatibility, and a solid basis for a lasting marriage, just like everyone else.
Just because two people are single doesn’t mean they will suit each other – or even like each other.
And if there’s anything risky about that person, think long and hard about trying to pair them off.
I’m thinking substantial debt, patchy employment history, a criminal record, poor treatment of ex-partners (like stalking), same sex attraction, or struggles with any kind of addiction or serious mental health issues.
These aren’t always barriers to a happy (and canonically valid) marriage.
But they make it a riskier proposition. And people who are healing probably shouldn’t be dating.
When there’s more than one risk factor, you might need to reconsider this person’s place on your list of eligible singles.
But if you are determined to pair them off, then all potential dates should be tactfully briefed first so that they can choose whether to meet this person or not.
Note that I don’t include virginity (or lack thereof) or already having children as deal-breakers.
This isn’t Catholic thinking. It’s just a personal preference, and both matchers and match-ees need to be honest about that.
Don’t pressure people. You are not being paid on commission. The best kind of matchmaking is very hands-off.
You indicate that there’s another person who’s interested and pass on their contact details with their permission.
Then mind your own business. Otherwise, you risk ruining your friendship with both parties.
This is especially the case if the date or dates were a disaster.
And stop awarding yourself brownie points for “successes”. That’s making it all about you.
Remember that you might just as easily end up with a string of epic failures to your matchmaking name.
We can all pray for Catholics who are seeking good spouses, because it seems harder than ever right now.
And perhaps we can learn how to help them better – or at least to get out of their way.
