Happy New Year yet again! The change of calendar year usually makes all of us take stock of how far we’ve come in life.
They say time heals all wounds, but that’s not strictly true. Time, therapy, and sacramental confessions do the job quicker and better.
Thanks to these three things, I’m now grateful to God for some of the embarrassing and unsettling episodes in my life.
This includes being match-made by well-meaning friends. This happened twice, both times when I was well over the age of 35.
The first time wasn’t anyone’s fault. I was recently out of religious life and was willing to meet the man in question and give it my best shot.
I did, and it was an unmitigated disaster. But I learned a huge amount about myself and human relationships.
I got masses of blessings from God. It’s just that none of them were the ones I expected.
The second time, I hadn’t asked to be match-made, but I had an over-zealous Catholic friend.
And of course, it’s also partly my fault for being a chump and letting curiosity get the better of me.
Again, it was a disaster, this time ending in my having a near-fatal stroke.
But God used that episode to teach me four priceless lessons.
The first was how much some family members really loved me and the lengths they would go to help me.
The second was finding out who my real friends were.
The third was watching God use that crisis to get me out of a dead-end job and a second mortgage, and into a fat redundancy and a new job that I loved, all by the end of the same year.
And the fourth was profound, happy, and final acceptance that God wanted me for himself alone.
Where am I going with all this? It’s because I would like to issue some warnings about matchmaking for older Catholics.
Young Catholics are usually a lot keener on matchmaking than older ones.
Many would welcome help meeting eligible people, especially other faithful young Catholics who want to get married.
But I think many good people don’t realise that when a faithful Catholic is still single after a long time, there are reasons for this.
Some reasons are obvious to outsiders. Others are secrets between that person and God.
Sometimes it’s both. And it’s not always bad or harmful things; it’s just how it is.
All the single Catholics I know aged over 40 (and that’s quite a few) have thought and prayed long and hard about it.
Some have already concluded that marriage is not for them. The reasons for this are none of your business.
So if you know any older single Catholics and have the itch to pair them off – can I ask you to stop and think?
Have you asked that person if they want you to find them a spouse?
I know you may have a lovely single Catholic friend who is looking for someone – but what if your other lovely single Catholic friend isn’t looking for anyone?
Of course, if you are an older Catholic who wants to meet someone, advertise the fact.
Tell all your friends and go on as many blind dates as you can stand.
But if you’ve decided otherwise, you need to ask your Catholic friends to stop fixing you up with people.
There are some simple and truthful statements you can use – for example, “I’m happy the way that I am.”
(And if this isn’t true, then use it as a wake-up call to work out why you’re not happy and do something about it.)
“God has made it clear that marriage is not for me.” Again, let’s hope that you’re in the process of arranging your life to reflect this truth.
“No thanks – I’m not looking for a spouse.” Plain and simple.
“I don’t want to lead anyone on, especially not at our age.” Guys, you might like to keep this one in mind, because women don’t have unlimited time to have babies.
There is nothing wrong with being a single Catholic of any age, especially if it means that person can spend more time with God.
And when someone is living a happy, holy life as a single Catholic, maybe you should let them get on with it.
Don’t snoop into the reasons why they’re single. Just love them the way they are.
And thank God for putting a great person into your life to show your kids that there’s more than one way to heaven.