American Catholic voters, the cheapest of cheap dates, went absolutely bananas the other day on Michaelmas when someone on Donald Trump’s social media team posted the prayer to St Michael.
Because I am slightly more sentient than a banana myself, I feel qualified to explain this phenomenon: This is called “pandering.” It is what you do when you are equal parts ignorant of and contemptuous toward something (like how Trump is ignorant of and contemptuous toward the Catholic faith) but you know that you need those people to vote for you, and you know a lot of them are absurdly gullible and desperate for affirmation. So you throw them a scrap and watch them scramble.
On the same day the prayer made a splash on Facebook and X, Trump himself made a remark in person wherein he sounded more like his old familiar self, not praying humbly as in the St Michael prayer, but longing for “one really violent day” in which police could get “extraordinarily rough” against shoplifters who are allegedly swarming over our fair country.
Trump himself, of course, is notorious for walking away without paying for what he takes; in his personal life and in his campaign; and despite the fear and frenzy he habitually tries to whip up—”[P]olice aren’t allowed to do their job. They’re told if you do anything, you’re going to lose your pension. You’re going to lose your family, your house, your car.”—both violent and property crimes (like the theft Trump constantly complains about) have declined dramatically across the entire country.
But he shared a prayer! And on Mary’s birthday, he shared a picture of Our Lady of Guadalupe! And the two failed assassination attempts took place on the feast days of Our Lady of Sorrows, and also on the Feast of St Henry, which, y’know, is probably also significant somehow if you have eyes to see! And Melania is Catholic!
As a Catholic, that’s all the evidence anyone could need. Sure, Trump’s no angel, but God’s been workin’ on his heart, and we’re clearly mere moments away from the best conversion you people have ever seen, a really big, beautiful conversion; you won’t believe your eyes. Not even the late, great Hannibal Lecter could have a conversion like this.
Maybe you’re still somehow unpersuaded by the overwhelming evidence that Trump is doing the work of God. Maybe you’re still a tad sceptical that there is some kind of sincere searching going on in his soul.
Frankly, I’m sad for you. It must be hard to live in such a cynical world when you can’t even see what’s so plainly right before your eyes. What would it take to make you see the burgeoning grace at work inside this happy warrior? What more could this lion of God do to melt your hearts of stone and show you who he really is?
I have a few ideas! They are, of course, things he can sell.
Along with the official Trump flip flops that go for $40 and allow you to literally walk on the flag as you merrily flip flop along just like Trump himself. For more formal occasions, there are these tasteful golden Trump Sneakers priced at $399. And don’t forget the $100,000 gold Trump Swiss watch that is definitely not made in China—why would you even think such a thing?
I’m suggesting a slightly more budget-friendly option that targets a powerful demographic: Terrible Mothers. Check it out: My Little Cracker MAGA Lunchables, for when you can’t quite get to church because you want to get a good seat at the local Trump rally instead (although honestly, there are usually plenty of empty seats). You’re a good mum, not like people say, and you know your kids are gonna start whining about being hungry. Each handy little snack pack includes a little drink of wine (just a little!) and a Special Cracker, so you can just go ahead and self-communicate right there in public. My Little Cracker will be available in Regular and Cool Ranch, allowing you to simultaneously fulfil religious and nutritional obligations.
Does it seem blasphemous to refer to a communion wafer as “my little cracker?” That’s unfortunate, because I’m just quoting the man himself.
For our more conservative brethren, he could unveil a Three Days of Darkness MAGA Expansion Pack, including the standard blessed beeswax candles, various medals and multi-coloured scapulars to chase away demons or werewolves or leftist librarians or whatever.
How about a Trump-branded… um… I am having a hard time coming up with ridiculous enough ideas, because everything I can think of is actually already for sale. Here’s a Trump rosary. Here’s a T-shirt showing those best buds, Jesus and Trump, lurking about together, and it says “THE CHOSEN ONE.” Without specifying who it means.
But isn’t there anything to appeal to the less kooky left-of-centre Catholics, some of whom are also on the fence and not sure where to cast their vote?
How about a beautiful new Donald Trump IVF Clinic? If you’re not familiar with IVF, noted bioethicist Donald Trump has helpfully explained that it “is fertilisation.” Trump said his administration would mandate that his government and insurance companies would pay for anyone who wants the procedure, which trashes or permanently freezes nearly two million human embryos every year.
In a comment which would dazzle even the most nominal Catholic with its near-Monty Python levels of Catholicity, Trump clarified, “We wanna produce babies.”
Or heck, let’s just have a MAGAbortion clinic. It would only do abortions after six weeks (because banning abortion any sooner is, according to Trump, too soon); or, well, maybe abortion is good for women, according to Trump, or maybe there has to be “some form of punishment” for women who have abortions, according to Trump.
You’ve got to admit, it would be a hell of a money-maker. Since Roe v Wade was overturned, demand for abortion has just gone up.
What else could Trump do to attract Catholics? He could wander around a park fondling a Bible so people could take pictures of him holding a Bible. When a reporter asks him if it was his Bible, he could stirringly declare that it was “a Bible.” Of course, he already did that, so it’s high time he had a Bible that really is his, and is priced to reflect that: It’s the God Bless the USA Bible. Most bibles are inspired by the Holy Spirit, but this new, improved version is “inspired by Lee Greenwood!”
I don’t have $59.99 to spare at the moment, so I can’t report on whether or not they’ve included those unnecessary, esoteric passages about feeding the poor, welcoming the foreigner, not committing adultery, not lying, not stealing. But it does include the really important parts of sacred scripture, such as the Bill of Rights and the Pledge of Allegiance, and most importantly, the chorus to 1984 pop country hit “God Bless the USA.” If that doesn’t convince you Trump is a serious and holy man, I don’t know what will.
Listen, Catholics may have invented the university and laid two thousand years of blazing intellectual rigor for the world to catch up to. You and your discerning brain should be very comfortable supporting Trump, and calling it the Catholic thing to do. But if you’re not sure, I have one final suggestion for the Trump campaign: The MAGA Weathervane. It goes whichever way the wind is blowing.