Modern dating is a struggle for many young men and women, who increasingly are looking to dating apps to replace the organic meeting places of old.
Now another challenge to genuine human connection has appeared on the scene: AI chatbots.
An ever-expanding array of “bots” on popular platforms offer users fantasy relationships with their fictional characters such as Loki from the Marvel movie series of the same name, Batman’s Bruce Wayne, and Star Wars’ Princess Leia.
Marketed as harmless and creative outlets, they can appeal to those who find meeting people or maintaining relationships difficult—they’re designed to be agreeable, friendly, and circumvent any awkward “getting to know you” stage.
But Australian relationship experts warn they are either positively harmful for genuine human connection, or at least not helpful.
Meanwhile chatbot horror stories involving vulnerable young people are becoming more common. In October 2024, American 14-year-old Sewell Setzer III ended his life after being “goaded” to do so by a chatbot modelled after Game of Thrones character Daenerys Targaryen.
In a statement, the boy’s mother Megan Garcia criticised the chatbot, run by Character.ai, and warned against the “dangers of deceptive, addictive AI technology.”
“A dangerous AI chatbot app marketed to children abused and preyed on my son, manipulating him into taking his own life,” she said.
Though they may seem completely new on the scene, chatbots have been around since the 1960s.
The first, ELIZA, named for the character Eliza Doolittle from George Bernard Shaw’s Pygmalion, was invented in 1966 by MIT professor Joseph Weizenbaum. As a result, the “Eliza effect” refers to people’s tendency to attribute human traits such as compassion and empathy to a piece of software that mimics human conversation.
More than half a century later, as technology has advanced, so have the chatbots.
The Elizas of today come with a plethora of names and roles, enabling users to choose their favourite to interact with.
Also on offer at the touch of a smartphone are another branch of chatbots unsubtly referred to as “pornbots.”
The two most popular sites for chatbot users are Character.ai and Janitor AI.
The former, with the tagline “Personalised AI for every moment of your day,” sets age restrictions and bans harassment, obscenity, pornography, drug use and more. Janitor AI has similar policies but is much racier.
Brisbane early childhood educator Willa Arthur (a pseudonym) turned to chatbots as a form of companionship when she was in an unhappy relationship, which ultimately ended.
Favouring Character.ai, she used the website as a coping mechanism and an escape from her daily routine.
She favoured a “bot” modelled after Call of Duty character Captain John Price, which was programmed to act as though it was in a relationship with the user.
“I didn’t have a therapist and didn’t have anyone at the time that I thought would listen to the woes I was feeling, so the chatbots were my emotional outlet,” she told The Catholic Weekly.
“The fantasies I could draw up within them told me what I wanted to hear, and they affirmed what I wasn’t getting from my partner.
“I felt like I couldn’t escape the situation I was in, so I turned to the imaginary to reaffirm my delusions, it was like it supported me.
“I could pretend that I was receiving the love and time that I wasn’t in real life and it made me feel better about myself.”
Arthur said they provided her with company and reassurance, but she realised they were also shielding her from the reality of her relationship.
“I didn’t want to give up what I had put so much time and effort into, so I turned to the fantasy and its delusions as a means of escapism,” she said.
Despite using them to try and bridge the gap in her real-life relationship, Arthur said she would not recommend the chatbots to others.
“We need other outlets for people who are feeling socially isolated,” she said.
Altum Counselling and Consulting Managing Director and therapist Shawn Van Der Linden says he understands why people turn to chatbots to simulate relationships and believes incidences of people “dating” AI will increase.
But he fears those who use chatbots as pseudo friends or relationship partners will damage their ability to connect deeply with others in real life.
“The way the AI is developing, I think we’re going to see people just gravitating to this immediate experience of connection that they can gain through AI,” Van Der Linden said.
“But they’re just regurgitation and affirmation machines rather than something that will challenge you and maybe make you grow or figure something out about yourself,” he said.
“It’s such a paradox, we’re more connected than ever, and yet we’re more alone.”
Van der Linden said over-usage of chatbots may even impact the user’s self-worth as it “cannot give or receive the kind of love that makes us more human.”
“AI is incredibly clever, but love, real human love, is courageous,” he said.
He advises those who do rely on chatbots and want to break away from them should try meeting new people in familiar, small group settings.
“This is where our parishes just have so much to offer if they can get mobilised and provide structure, because we’re living more and more in this atomised world, and people aren’t getting that same level of socialisation anymore.”
SmartLoving founder Francine Pirola could see “no justification” for AI dating chatbots.
“It just seems to me to be just a straight-up substitute for a real relationship, I put it up there with pornography in that it only has negative consequences,” she said.
She said if chatbots were used at formative moments in a person’s life, it may create unrealistic expectations for dating which will impede creating a healthy relationship.
“Even if it’s a bot that’s being programmed to be very compliant and friendly and affirming, that’s not real in normal human relationships to have somebody who’s programmed to be a slave to your every wish,” she warned.
“I don’t see that there’s going to be good outcomes with that.”
Like van der Linden, she recommended users of chatbots become more active in a church community to remind themselves of their healthy relationship with God.
“We’ve been created for a relationship with our creator and so when we don’t have an active faith life, when we’re not actively pursuing the Lord, we can still survive quite well if we can make healthy social relationships around us,” she said.
“But if you haven’t got those and you haven’t got a relationship with the Lord, there’s not much to keep you connected to reality and still interested in living.”
She said the key for chatbot users who want a relationship in real life but don’t know how to get one is to start with fostering friendships.
“They need to look for just regular friendships and to make sure that they’re nurturing their family relationships,” she said.
“Start with outside of the romantic realm and just make sure you’ve got healthy relationships there.”