Michael Brown’s article on the Family Law Act stirred up The Catholic Weekly’s Facebook page. I think we can all agree that divorce is awful for everyone, especially for Brown.
As a family law specialist, he spends all day with divorces, including the handful of very high conflict ones that end in court. But I don’t think we’re asking the right questions, and I would like to ask some different ones.
I like quoting the American futurist Buckminster Fuller, who said the way to get rid of something is not to change it, but to build an alternative that renders it obsolete. So if you hate the Family Law Act, then what are you doing personally as a Catholic to make it obsolete?
In 1980, a Family Court judge was shot dead. In 1984, there was a spate of bombings of judges’ homes and court buildings that left one dead and several injured. I hope most of us would agree as Catholics that this kind of terrorism is not the way forward. It’s morally wrong, ineffective, and paints a target on our backs.
The Catholic Church in Australia has no political or electoral clout, so we can’t form a lobby group. So it looks like it’s going to come down to us as Catholics to live better lives and have better marriages. But here’s where some Catholics get uncomfortable.
It’s much easier to say that the Family Law Act destroyed your marriage than to take responsibility for your part in its ending. But Catholic marriages don’t end because the Family Law Act broke into your house and took over your spouse’s soul.
They end in the same way as other marriages: infidelity, years of arguing about money, and years of arguing about what’s best for the children.
Poor communication, uncontrolled anger, addictions, checking out mentally, always being right, contempt, and carrying unequal burdens will also erode goodwill in a marriage like nothing else. This easily tips into abuse: mainly one spouse against another, or both spouses attacking each other.
Poor choice of spouse also plays a part, especially if the problems were evident before you both said “I do.” So let’s make the Family Law Act obsolete. Here’s some hard questions.
Catholics who are single but hoping to marry: Are you working hard on eradicating your laziness, vanity, complaining, entitlement, anger, and other bad habits?
Have you worked out the personal qualities that will lead to a happy and lasting marriage for two people, rather than just one?
Are you taking time to get to know a person properly before rushing into marriage?
Catholics who are still married: Is your marriage an example of how genuine love and self-sacrifice operates daily to build a better world?
Are you in a real partnership with 100 per cent commitment and effort from each of you?
How do you treat your spouse, in public and in private? Do you voluntarily submit to one another out of love of Christ? (Ephesians 5:21)
Do you work on your marriage, check in with your spouse, and seek help from outside when you hit problems you clearly can’t solve alone?
For those Catholics who are divorced or divorcing: How did you behave towards your spouse during this process?
Did you accept their decision to end things because in the Catholic worldview, real love can never be forced?
Did you negotiate a fair financial settlement, bearing in mind the unequal earning capacity of a man versus a stay-at-home mother?
Or have you tried to reduce your share of child support? Did “our money” suddenly become “my money”?
Do you make the children your battleground by lying to them or manipulating them?
Did you defame your spouse to everyone within earshot? Did you perjure yourself in legal proceedings to gain advantage?
Have you harassed your spouse, changed custody arrangements without notice, or otherwise continued to punish them?
Fellow Catholics, the Family Law Act didn’t make you do any of this stuff. You did this all by yourself because you were angry and vindictive. The Family Law Act doesn’t end marriages. Sin ends marriages.
So maybe we need to see the Family Law Act in the same way as abortion legislation. It’s a symptom of a society that doesn’t understand real love. As Catholics, our mission is to show the world what real love is.
But this can only happen if each of us is personally converted and transformed by grace. Without this, all campaigns are fruitless and nothing really changes – including us.
We absolutely must do better. Everything else is a waste of time.
