Let’s try that again, shall we?
Recently someone wrote to The Catholic Weekly’s Fr Flader and asked, “My friend is thinking about divorce – how can I tell them about the harm divorce does to children?”
When I first read that, this is what went through my head:
“Have you asked your friend WHY they are thinking about divorce? Sit down with them and promise them your silence and support.
“Ask them what’s been going on, and for how long. Ask for examples if you need them.
“Ask them how they are coping, and how the children are being affected.
“At the end of this conversation, you will have helped to lighten your friend’s load.
“You will also be a sadder and wiser person with a lot more to pray for.
“But you should also now think twice about giving them a guilt trip.”
If you really want to help someone who’s thinking about divorce, you can start by being a shoulder and a talking post for them.
You will have to learn to listen to them, rather than talking over them with your half-baked solutions and advice.
This will take time and patience. But if you are a true friend, you’ll make the time – and pray for the patience.
You might say that you’re not on those terms with your friend. This would be weird and intrusive of you.
In which case, can I respectfully ask you to butt out and stop passing judgement on that friend’s potential to harm their children?
If you’re not prepared to find out why a divorce is in the works, and to offer what help and support you can, do you really have any right to pontificate to them about it?
Jesus had people like this absolutely nailed. He said they tie up heavy burdens and lay them on men’s backs and never lift a finger to help them (Matthew 23:4).
Anyhoo, in the Facebook melee that ensued from my article going online, we had several waves of responses.
First were the angry gents who repeated like a Greek chorus that you can’t get divorced if you’re a Catholic.
Thankfully a sensible priest weighed in and explained why and how you can get civilly divorced – and cited his own parents as an example.
Most of the Facebook warriors also didn’t offer practical solutions for the real-life problem of marriage breakdown.
The women responded differently. They picked up on the key themes of my original column.
These were the harms that a high conflict marriage does to children, and our need as a church to do tougher marriage preparation and welcome divorced parents and children.
One of these women even reminded us that we need to pray very much for people in this situation. Hooray!
Another messaged me privately to thank me for saying that we need to look harder at people before marriage.
She was once engaged to a man with serious moral problems. She was advised that he was a good Catholic and if she married him, God would take care of it.
She chose otherwise and is grateful that she did (#MeToo, by the way).
I also wondered if some people felt called out for how they behave in their own marriages and families.
One man said that marital conflict teaches children how to resolve conflicts themselves. Yes sir, indeed it does.
Scenario: Your wife is a nervous wreck who explodes with rage at the drop of a hat.
You have found that the best thing to do is to meekly agree with everything she says.
Then she calms down, and all is sunshine and roses again (until next time).
Your young son watches you. What have you taught him about conflict resolution?
Living with another person is hard. Even with good intentions and sacramental graces, sinful and selfish behaviour is the path of least resistance.
It’s also easy to forget that little eyes and ears are watching your every move.
Marriages in trouble need our prayers. They need lots of prayers, all the time.
But some marriages can and will be destroyed beyond repair, because at least one spouse isn’t prepared to do the work needed to sustain or repair the marriage.
Then we need to think about what is safest for everyone involved. That’s why the church allows legal separation and civil divorce.
If my article hurt you, then perhaps you need to think about why that is.
If it consoled you, then I’m glad that what I learned from hours of listening to people in pain has been useful.
