We’ve been reminiscing about first confessions recently.
What I remember most clearly about my first confession was the certain knowledge that it would not be my last.
My family went to confession around once a month. Confession was something that adults did, and that I was now allowed to do as well.
It made me feel more grown up, and more a part of the church that everyone else belonged to.
Attending with my family was also non-negotiable. I’m hugely glad about this now.
It made confession into something completely normal for me, which made it easier to keep going. And what a journey it’s been.
I’ve confessed to priests who preached heresy in public, but who didn’t deviate from the hard truths when it came to correcting me.
And to priests whose personal failings were obvious to everyone, but who were kindness itself in the confessional.
I’ve heard words through the curtain that came direct from the heart of Jesus and burnt themselves into me.
Once there was just a sigh, which had such a shattering impact on me that I never committed that particular sin again.
I have both cried and laughed in confession, and have always felt grateful, lighter and more at peace than when I went in.
A key part of recovery and change is accountability to another person or people.
It’s the basis of group therapy and 12-step programs. It’s how people lose weight, break old habits, and beat addictions.
At its most basic level, confession is a form of accountability. But it’s much more than that.
It’s a process that begins in the privacy of the heart but pours out naturally from that into a desire to make up; to repair the damage.
Saying sorry to God and to others is great, but making amends is solid proof of the sorry.
Sacramental confession is how you make amends, repair the damage, and start healing.
Accountability in therapy also means being specific about your failings and how to change them.
Vague feelings can only end in equally vague resolutions “to be a better person” which don’t last long.
If you want to make real and lasting changes, you need to be specific about what you did wrong and what you need to change.
For example, “I’m sorry I left my dirty laundry on the floor for you to pick up, despite you asking me to use the laundry hamper. In future, I will use the hamper.”
And then use the hamper. You will soon develop a habit of using the hamper, and family life will be more pleasant for everyone.
Confession is the same. But people complain that they don’t know what to say in confession.
That’s because they don’t examine their conscience until about ten seconds beforehand.
So Catholic spiritual masters have been telling us for centuries to examine our conscience every day, usually at the end of the day.
This makes confession easier, less embarrassing, and more fruitful.
If you don’t examine yourself regularly, how will you know what to be specific about?
How will you uncover the old hatreds and fears that are distorting your relationships?
How will you face that you have a compulsion that needs therapy as well as regular confession?
How will you find out just how badly your behaviour is affecting other people?
If you don’t look, then you don’t know what to show God. And if you don’t show him your wounds, then how can he heal them?
This is grown-up stuff. It’s adult behaviour for a baptised person with an immortal soul.
Or you can choose to live in a childish cloud of your own splendidness like the Pharisee telling God how wonderful he was.
People who see you for one hour a week at Mass think you’re just terrific. You think so too.
You might get a twinge of unease at your behaviour sometimes, but you can soon gloss over that.
Your real and persistent sins get minimised or explained away. You become more blind, deaf, and numb to them.
Everything starts to become someone else’s fault. You think you’re coated in spiritual Teflon, so nothing sticks.
But really, your sinful choices are getting baked on to you like burnt lasagna. You’re growing further away from God and more resistant to his graces.
This is what I mean by quoting Socrates: the unexamined life is not worth living.
But an examined life – an adult, accountable, confessional life – will help you in the present, and will shape your eternal life for the better.
It’s well worth the effort.
