Pope Leo, God bless him, seems to be making a big effort to resist a “Francis vs Leo” narrative, and appears to be making intentional gestures of respect toward his predecessor, emphasising unity and continuity.
If he has grievances, he’s not airing them, and if he has disappointments, he’s not letting them control his behaviour. This is clearly the right thing to do. Everything he says and does has huge, universal ramifications. He needs to be very wise, and the last thing we need is more division in the church.
That being said, it does seem like he has a list. It’s early days, still, but in the first month of his papacy, he’s brought about several things that can’t have been spur-of-the-moment decisions. It’s hard not to feel like he had been thinking quietly to himself over the last several years, “Boy, if I ever find myself in that chair, here’s what I’m gonna do.”
So now he is, and here are some little things he has done: He reinstated the bonuses for the staff that served during the Conclave. The Vatican website abruptly shed its adorably insane parchment background and now looks like it belongs to this century. And the scandalous, hollow-eyed spooks of Marko Rupnik have vanished from the Vatican media.
Little things! Not huge changes. But that is how wise leaders do things: Not by storming in and wrecking up the place, but gradually and thoughtfully doing what needs to be done, as he and everyone else get used to the new regime. So far I’m really impressed by his thoughtful and deliberate but clear and direct approach. I’m trying to imitate him and focus on good works without being a jerk about it.
But yes, I have a list.
And now I’m going to let myself be overcome with Ordinary Time joy for a moment, and share with you the things I would absolutely do if I were pope. I’m not calling on Leo to do this stuff. I’m just some lady and it doesn’t matter what I want. But because I’m not the pope, I don’t have to be wise or prudent or balanced or universal; so I’m just gonna let loose.
First up: Declare 2026 to be the year of Okay That’s Enough Legion of Christ. Also I would not protest if anyone wants to borrow the Vatican’s shovel to dig a deep hole and push Marko Rupnik, for starters, into it.
Now for something more fun: Restore the capes and swords and nutty plumed hats for the Knights of Columbus. One of the best things my Catholic eyes ever saw was the Knights in full regalia at midnight Mass several years ago, giving full chase to a little brown bat that had gotten into the church and was squeakily terrorising the congregation.
Happily, they did not skewer it with their swords, but sadly they also did not outswoop it with their capes. But they could have done either of those things, because they still had their outrageous regalia. And now they can’t. What are they gonna do, wave a beret at it? Intimidate it with their blazers? Bah. Please, Papa. The people want plumage.
Priests should have a maximum number of hours they are allowed to be on TV/podcasts per lifetime. Once they hit their limit, they’re done, and they have to go back to, I don’t know, offering the sacraments to the faithful or something.
I guess they can write books if they really want to, but they have to actually write them by themselves, and there is zero reason that anything with their name on it should be bound in fine Corinthian leather.
Let women be deacons, I don’t care. The people who want women to be priests are going to keep pushing for it even if Elijah and the prophets appeared and told them to cut it out, so it’s hard to make the case that women deacons would confuse them or give false hope.
Reiterate in all caps what John Paul II said about how the church simply doesn’t have the ability to ordain women as priests, and then let those ladies loose. The ones who are in it for celebrity will burn out pretty fast, and the ones who want to serve will serve. At very least it seems likely seminarians would have to spend more time with women before ordination, and we would end up with more priests who know how to act normal around women.
Introduce a new feast. Why the heck not? John Paul II introduced new decades of the rosary, and Benedict—yes, Benedict—got the Vatican on Twitter. Francis also had some exciting new ideas, like [and here I have redacted a slightly mean joke because I am TRYING].
If I were pope, I would just find a boring spot in the calendar and boom, make a new feast day. Maybe something for his Peruvian pals, something with food. I could go for some ceviche, especially if it were liturgically commendable.
Be really sweet to the trads. I know Pope Francis (oops, I’m talking about Pope Francis again, oh no) had his reasons for considering them his mortal enemies, but in my unlettered opinion, when you are the visible head of the global church, you can’t act like you’re still in Argentina; and when you are the vicar of Christ, you also can’t act like some of your flock are your enemies, ESPECIALLY IF YOU KEEP TALKING ABOUT CARING FOR PEOPLE ON THE MARGINS. Good grief.
And so anyway, the way Francis handled it, the predictable thing happened and the good trads felt hurt, and the bad trads got nastier and dug deeper into their persecution complex, so thanks for that. Now we just about have a schism, ho ho ho. Anyway, if I were pope, I would be sweet to the trads.
Respond to my Facebook friend request. Yes I actually sent him a request, and yes I’m pretty sure it was THE Robert Prevost. His Florida Man brother has a wife who was talking nonsense about migrants or something, and someone named Robert Prevost did what so many of us have done in a similar situation: He didn’t argue, he didn’t engage, but he had a weak moment and dropped a Snopes link refuting what she said; and then he vanished into the ether again. I don’t send a lot of social media friend requests, but I’m not made of stone.
And I’m not made of pope, thanks be to God. But yeah, that’s what I would do.