Yesterday, I fell in love with my husband again. We’ve been married for 29 years. I was standing in the dining room, clearing the table for dinner, and he came in with a stuffed rabbit and showed it to our youngest.
She said, “Oh, that’s better, Daddy.” It turns out he had already washed her rabbit once, but it got mixed in with some red fabric and took on some pink dye. So he washed it again, with stain remover, because it’s not supposed to be a pink rabbit. It’s supposed to be white and he knew that mattered to her.
My husband does the laundry at our house. He is also the main breadwinner, and he also fixes cars, does plumbing and carpentry, lifts weights, watches football, grills meat, and shoots stuff.
But he does laundry because I need help keeping up with household jobs, and also because he’s good at doing laundry. And also, because his identity isn’t so fragile that he’s afraid that pushing a button on a washing machine is going to make him less of a man.
I’m telling this story because my country, the US, seems to be struggling, once again, with the idea of what it means to be masculine. Or, worse – not struggling but falling headlong for the grossest parody of masculinity without even a fight.
I am not going to try to get into gender theory here or try some extensive analysis of cultural norms. I did actually write an essay called “The Myth of the Macho Christ,” and it’s pretty good, so feel free to read that!
All I want to do today is remind people that, when we’re looking for examples of masculinity, we have lots and lots of guys who get it wrong. Some of it is just silly and will appeal mainly to the young – like the influencers and looksmaxxers who make a living crouched in front of a lighted mirror, pleading with their own faces to look more manly. We can at least hope that most guys will grow out of this.
But some parodies of masculinity are too dangerous to wait out, because man-parodies have the power to destroy nations, and they’ve made it clear that they might do so if it makes them feel strong.
If you think I’m exaggerating, just listen to our “Secretary of War” Pete Hegseth, proudly saying the things that only comic book villains used to say.
“This was never meant to be a fair fight, and it is not a fair fight,” he says. “We are punching them while they’re down, which is exactly how it should be.” Or, “America is winning, decisively, devastatingly, and without mercy.”
That’s not masculine. That’s monstrous.
But that is not the whole picture. There are also plenty of guys who are getting it right, and the more you look for them, the more you find. Here are some who have caught my attention this week:
Kirk Moore, the principal of an Oklahoma high school, tackled a would-be gunman and wrestled his weapon away before he could do that horrible thing Americans keep doing. Moore is a portly, white-haired gentleman who doesn’t look like he spends a lot of time lifting weights or yapping about peptides.
But he had a school full of children to protect, and by God, he did it. I loved watching him crowned Prom King by his clapping, cheering students. King indeed.
“King Randall,” whose video I stumbled across the other day, is running a program in Georgia to teach boys life skills that build confidence and independence. This means learning what to do when there’s a plumbing emergency in your house, but also things like how to make an appointment, how to deescalate a conflict in a restaurant, and – and this is the video that caught my attention – how to tell the difference between a real “yes” and a coerced “yes.”
In this video, he demonstrates consent in an age-appropriate way to the kids, asking a woman for a hug, not taking no for an answer, and then pestering her until she finally gives in.
“And do you even want a hug like that, somebody not hugging you back?” he asks. The kids all chant, “No!!!” Another king, passing his wisdom down to the next generation.
Fr Walter Ciszek. OK, to be fair, he is dead. But he’s in the news because his cause for canonisation has been terminated.
When I read the news, I was momentarily miserable. I LOVE Fr Ciszek, and both his books With God In Russia and He Leadeth Me came to me at just the right time in my life, as did the prayer of surrender from the Ciszek Prayer League. I really wanted him to be declared a saint. But he’s not going to be, and we will probably never know why.
Then I realised: Fr Walter wouldn’t care. If he has done something wrong, it’s in God’s hands now. If people think poorly of him, that’s their affair.
All we can do is the job in front of us, and turn it over to God, and the accolades you get are the least important part.
As the Vatican statement says, the “enduring spiritual value of his life, witness, and legacy” are not diminished. In some ways, this is the perfect Ciszek. Maybe not officially a saint, but absolutely a king.
And finally: Da Pope. I admired his fearless words denouncing violence and oppression, especially when it’s done in the name of Christianity; I admired his smiling comment that he’s not afraid of the Trump administration; and I admired his gentle reminder that he’s the pope of the whole world, not just the United States.
What a king. What a father. What a leader. What a man.
Simcha Fisher is the author of The Sinner’s Guide to Natural Family Planning. Her website is www.SimchaFisher.com.
