For the past few weeks, since Michael Brown’s article marking 50 years of the Family Law Act (TCW 18/1/26), I’ve been trying to get readers to think about the Act as individual Catholics.
I do think there’s a time and place for political action. But I also know that it’s easier to start a law reform campaign than to examine our own lives and hearts.
Another common trap is to keep asking why “the church” isn’t doing something about all, while forgetting that we are actually the church.
So how can “the church” – that’s us – do more to make the Family Law Act obsolete?
I’ve been looking at the young and young-ish Catholics I know personally who have married and are now raising young families.
They are a tiny group, but they are doing a lot of heavy lifting for the church’s future in Australia.
I’ve found six useful things that these couples and families seem to have in common.
Extended family support. A couple of weeks ago I quoted a former Catholic online commenter who’d gone through a messy divorce.
He said that if you put young people in a situation where you expect them to have kids, but also remove their support systems – family, friends, church – the marriage will not survive.
Once again, he’s right. If you look at human history, you’ll see that getting married, staying married, and raising a family takes a village.
Philippa Martyr: Don’t like divorce? So, what are you doing about it?
It’s a mistake to try to do it all yourself as a nuclear family – a fairly recent invention that places a huge burden on two already-tired people.
Almost all the families I know have extended family support behind them. None come from perfect families.
But they have grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins who can and do help with childcare.
Some are still living with parents while they save up for a mortgage. Others are talking about later multi-generational living to care for ageing parents.
Those who don’t have their own families close by might have a group of other young families who help to fill some of the gaps.
Catholic ecosystem. These couples spent time in wider Catholic environments growing up, which is usually how they met.
Some came out of the homeschooling movement. Other couples went to mainstream schools – not always Catholic – and later met in youth or campus ministry.
Many of them forged friendships at that time with other young Catholics which have lasted into their marriages and form part of their wider support system.
Shared faith and worship. Some of these young couples married across national, ethnic, and cultural lines.
It turns out that shared faith and regular Mass-going are more important to them than anything else.
And Mass-goers hold the church together at parish level and give it a future. If you don’t believe me, then read my perfectly splendid book Witness to find out why.
Tough decisions. These couples have made tough financial decisions together about work and childcare.
They usually have above-average family sizes and have mostly opted for one spouse working full-time and the other caring full-time.
So they live further out of the cities and own fewer cars than you might think necessary.
They budget, shop second-hand, cook their own meals, and freeze a lot of food.
No tradwives. At the same time, these families actively reject the bogus “tradwife” online culture. They know that living in the past is a luxury that only rich people without children can afford.
The working spouses I know (usually male) are hands-on parents who pull their weight in domestic chores and parenting without needing to be told a dozen times or given a list.
Pray and play together. These young Catholic families often seek each other out and try to worship together if they can, even if it means travelling a bit.
Others have made the choice to adopt their local parish and make it work, even if they have to sing Marty Haugen hymns and be the only young family in the pews.
They know the value of communication and regular contact to build each other up and support each other.
This group of younger Australian Catholics is avant-garde and radically counter-cultural. They have chosen a way of life that requires sacrifices and tough decisions.
It’s heroic, scary, and beautiful. And more importantly, it’s working.
This is why Catholic marriage is not for immature people, cheap thrill seekers, or the lazy and selfish.
Want to make the Family Law Act obsolete? Pray for these young families.
Be patient with their kids in Mass. Thank them for all that they’re doing for the future church here.
And learn from them.
