Who would have thought espresso cups could cause such drama? Byron had discarded the unused “free” cups a year earlier, without Francine even noticing their absence. After a frantic search when a guest requested an espresso, she discovered their fate.
Despite this information, she experienced a kind of suspended reality—she continued to anxiously look for them while Byron tried to distract the guest. By this time, he knew both coffee and trouble were brewing.
That innocent and perfectly reasonable action on his part, activated an old wound in Francine—a childhood betrayal wound from when her father threw out her seemingly useless, unused stuff without consultation. The espresso cup incident was loaded with all the emotion and hurt of the earlier wound.
This is a classic example of a compound wound. Unlike physical wounds—visible injuries to the body that typically heal with time and care—emotional wounds often persist unnoticed beneath the surface. Years or even decades later when we experience a similar incident, the old wound can be activated along with the new one.
For this reason, compound wounds are complex and tied to experiences such as childhood neglect, betrayal, or loss. They amplify distress by layering new pain atop old, and because we tend to focus on the present trigger rather than the root cause, these wounds are harder to recognise.
Identifying compound wounds involves noticing patterns in emotional and physical responses. Key symptoms may include intense emotional reactions such as anger, grief, or fear disproportionate to the issue, and heightened sensitivity due to our trigger threshold being lowered. Some may experience unbidden flashbacks and intrusive memories.
Often, we are not even aware of the root cause (ie the original wound) so we might feel persistent worry or despair or experience stress-induced issues like headaches or fatigue for no apparent reason. These signs often mask their roots, dimming self-awareness and hindering healing.
Emotional wounds often have a spiritual dimension such as a heightened temptation or an element of compulsion. Francine’s anxiety about discarding unneeded possessions reflects this; others with similar wounds may hoard compulsively. These responses signal deeper wounds crying for Christ’s healing touch.
Most of our sinful actions arise from our emotional wounds. Whether it’s a critical word or a selfish gesture, our wounds lead us behave in ways that prioritise our self-protection over the needs of others.
All unresolved wounds put strain on our relationships, with our marriage bearing the brunt. Our wounds lead to increased conflict with minor issues sparking major disputes as past emotions resurface with disproportionate intensity.
If the root causes are not addressed, a regular battleground opens, and many couples get exhausted by the effort of repairing on repeat for the same issue.
New wounds from unresolved arguments will lead us to emotionally withdraw to protect ourselves from further hurt. As our intimacy and trust decline, dialogue is stifled, mutual support is withheld, and isolation builds.
Compound wounds create frustration and powerlessness as our spouse is often blindsided by our over-reaction. Over time, compound wounds erode our connection and relational confidence making us vulnerable to sexual and emotional affairs with others.
But when people re-partner without resolving the original wounds, they will resurface again in subsequent relationships. It’s one of the reasons why divorce is higher in second and third marriages—the original wound is triggered again when the new partner inadvertently does or says something that activates it.
The only real way forward is to seek healing for the original wounds. Christ is the penultimate healer and the one who knows our history and our can read our hearts. Intentionally and patiently seeking him in prayer, scripture and the sacraments is the foundation to deliverance and healing.
Strategies that promote well-being and growth in faith may include the practice of gratitude, journalling, mindfulness, nature-exposure. Supportive relationships with mentors and well-adjusted friends can provide a safe environment for processing experiences.
Spiritual direction or formation retreats can also be very effective in exposing the root wound and allowing Christ to heal it. In some cases, professional therapy will be required.
While healing work can seem intimidating, we encourage couples to embrace it for the sake of those in our lives who we love. When our own well-being is insufficient motivation to face our painful history, let us let our desire to be more for them help us overcome our resistance.
Francine and Byron Pirola are the co-founders of www.smartloving.org