Smartloving: The limits to self-expression

We live in a culture that champions unfiltered self-expression.

We’re told that honesty is the ultimate virtue in relationships—that I have a right to say what’s on my mind, whenever I feel like it, and that our spouse should be ready to listen.

It’s a message that sounds liberating: no masks, no pretence, just pure, raw authenticity.

But as Catholic spouses striving to live out our vocation, we’ve come to see that unregulated self-expression can be a dangerous practice in marriage. It’s not as loving, kind, or effective as the world might have us believe.

First, let’s consider love. The culture tells us that expressing ourselves fully is our right, as if our need to vent or unload exists in a vacuum, independent of our spouse’s needs. But marriage isn’t about demanding to be heard—it’s about loving and serving each other.

St Paul reminds us in Ephesians 5:25 to love as Christ loved the church—which means sacrificially, not selfishly. When we blurt out every thought or emotion without discernment, we’re not loving our spouse; we’re expecting them to serve us.

When we write an important document, our first draft always needs editing; it usually takes a few attempts to be clear and concise and place those thoughts in the right context and with the right tone. Likewise, some self-editing in our conversation helps us craft a clearer message.

Editing ourselves isn’t about hiding the truth; it’s about taking the time to refine our message, reflect more deeply on what’s happening interiorly so that we can be more vulnerable and more honest.

Second, kindness matters. Unregulated self-expression often ignores the respect and gentleness our spouse deserves. When we treat our spouse like a dumping ground for every frustration or complaint, we’re not honouring their dignity—we’re acting as if they’re a servant or a paid therapist.

Words can wound deeply, especially when they come without sensitivity to how they might impact our beloved.

We’ve learned this the hard way. Early in our marriage, it was not uncommon after a tough day for one of us to unleash a torrent of complaints—work stress, petty annoyances, the works. The other would listen, but over time, it felt less like a conversation and more like being in an emotional garbage dump.

That wasn’t kind. We had to learn to pause, to ask ourselves: will what I’m about to say build-up and equip my spouse or burden them? That small act of self-editing made room for kindness.

Third, let’s talk effectiveness. The assumption behind unregulated self-expression is that our spouse is an ever-ready receiver—always poised to absorb our words, no matter the hour or circumstance.

But our spouse isn’t a machine. They have their own worries, their own fatigue, their own need for support and encouragement.

We remember a night when one of us was pushing to dissect a disagreement, while the other was visibly drained from a long day. Pushing forward didn’t resolve anything—it just left us frustrated and hurt.

Decades of messy conversations have taught us that timing matters. Editing ourselves—and choosing the right moment—almost always leads to better listening, deeper understanding, and a stronger connection.

So where do we take all those unfiltered thoughts and feelings? To God. He’s the perfect listener, always ready for our fears, hopes, sorrows, and even our rants.

We’ve found that prayer is the safest space for our raw honesty. God doesn’t flinch at our tantrums or recoil from our messed-up thinking—He delights in our realness.

Psalm 62:8 tells us to “pour out your hearts before him,” and we take that seriously. Unlike a therapist whose clock runs out at 50 minutes, God’s schedule is wide open.

When we bring our unedited selves to him, we’re free to be vulnerable without harming our spouse. And in that sacred exchange, he often gives us the clarity and grace to return to our marriage with a gentler, more loving approach.

Marriage isn’t about silencing ourselves; it’s about speaking with intention—from love, with kindness and effectively.

The world may cheer unrestrained self-expression, but we’re called to something higher: a love that edits its words for the sake of the other. And when we need to let it all out, God’s there, waiting with open arms.

Francine & Byron Pirola are the founders of SmartLoving. For more, visit www.smartloving.org