The last of my Catholic Weekly columns was a few years ago. I don’t have much interest in ideological battles. Re-runs on topical issues don’t change things, however smart the arguments each side lobs at the other. My interests are more modest—ordinary experiences; thinking about everyday thinking; pondering the reasons behind people’s choices and actions.
The book I always wanted to write is on friendship. We take it for granted everyone has a friendship circle but how does membership work? Out of all the people alive in 2026, it’s you I have as a friend! How did that happen? What are the chances.
You choose your friends but not your family. Really? With families, there are still choices. Jane Austen says in Pride and Prejudice ‘There are few people whom I really love, and still fewer of whom I think well.’ We are discerning, even about family.
And with friends, what say do I have on who I meet and who befriends me? Maybe I consent to friendships but the choice is never an open lottery. My friendships are pre-selected. Hence, friends are likely to be similar age, views, hobbies, religion, nationality, personality… Like choosing between pears or persimmons at Woolies, it’s not a neutral choice: I just don’t like persimmons! It’s the way I am.
Why does friendship matter so much? Friends aren’t strangers but they’re not family or romantic partners. This means the category of friendship can help us with how we relate to people who are not strangers, romantic partners or family members. That includes immigrants, non-Christian believers, people we’re attracted to who can’t become romantic partners, neighbours, fellow citizens, colleagues, business associates… There are whole groups of people we could think about differently if we brought them into the category of “friendships”.
That suggests there are different varieties of friendship. The great Greek philosopher Aristotle thought some of our friendships were just about enjoying ourselves, some were practically useful to us and some—the best—were people who had a mutual commitment to human welfare and happiness.
Aristotle’s probably right that there’s a spectrum of friendship from best buddies, lifelong friends, true friends, to team members, hobby-sharers, club-members, fellow-parishioners, right down to the bare acquaintances we smile at every morning on the bus. There’s a rich set of different friendships and we can use friend-terms to work out some difficult political and social relationships.
And then think of the explosion of possibilities of online and social media friendships. Not to forget our new “Bot-friends”. The old world of overseas ‘pen-pals’ which I joined in the ’70s seems far-off.
We often speak of the Church as a family, an extended sense of family, a bit like tribes or clans or kin. If fellow-Christians are our family, then other religions may be our friends. We sometimes say our closest friends are ‘just like family’ or as good as family. So close religious friends, eg the Jews, really are like family to us.
Let’s be clear, our Jewish friends are not part of the Christian family and nor would they want to be. Our family believes the Messiah came, he is the Son of God and the Promised Land is his Kingdom. But our friendship with the Jews is family-like. These are our big brothers and sisters in faith and their suffering is personal to us. It was right all of Australia grieved for Bondi, and natural that Christian grief was intense. It’s a friendship that’s like family.
The Aussie contribution to the friendship lexicon is mateship. I came to Australia in 1994 and it still feels artificial if I say ‘mate’. This one is really grounded in early social experiences of this place. It can feel sentimental, but it can also convey a sharp point. Many a “c’mon mate” is making clear: I’m not happy here. There can be a healthy irony in ‘mate’ and that makes for a better warning than cursing and swearing, or worse.
But even our sunny land has to accept some people are not our friends and some friendships end. When they do, the Christian response is to avoid any ill will. Jesus calls us to friendship, including with him, and to see our enemies as still-to-be friends.
Hayden Ramsay is the President of the Catholic Institute of Sydney and Professor of Moral Philosophy at the University of Notre Dame Australia.
